Dry, chapped lip-lickers of the world, let us be your shepherd. Behold, ye guide to balms, onguents and salves of the drugstore shelf, and find solace.
La Neige Lip Sleeping Mask
10/10
Putting your money right where your mouth is ($26, fucking ouch), the LaNeige sleeping mask is the real deal. It works. It really, really works and lasts FOREVER, so invest.
Bonus: darling little package and amazing flavor.
Blistex Lip Medex (in the pot)
2/10
For some reason, men love this one. The camphor and eucalyptus smell like Christmas, sure, but this stuff BURNS. Putting Blistex on chapped lips is like falling into bed after a long day, but your bed is made of rickety industrial bear traps that tear apart your skin while a little Italian boy pisses in your face.
Smells great, though.
Jack Black
8/10
Smells great, works great, the chemical compounds in the SPF might kill us, but we’ll all be dead by 2060 anyway.
Also, possibly named after a comedic genius? So, a win.
Buy three for $22 here (that’s buy 2, get 1 free)
Avene Cold Cream Lip Balm
4/10
Cold cream is just an old school term for “makeup remover.” Why’s it in a lip balm? This waxy, rosewater-scented mess is $15 of disappointment. Points for the big, juicy applicator, but that’s about it.
Don’t take our word for it? Try it here
C.O. Bigelow My Favorite Lip Balm
0/10
Elmer’s glue with sugarcane. Disgusting.
Burt’s Bees Lip Shimmers
9/10
The colors are universally flattering, the balm is emollient and it lasts a surprisingly long time. Rhubarb and Cherry are excellent sheer reds. Love it!
Buy Peony, an antique rose, here
Hurraw! Lip Balms
8/10
A gateway lip balm. Too good for its own good. Too many flavors, so affordable. You’ll buy one, maybe two, why not? You can swing it. Four hours later you wake up delirious, clutching your credit card. You’re naked from the waist down, wearing only cowboy boots outside the border of Marfa, Texas.
Note: We may earn a small commission from products linked here.