Something stinks – and it might be you.
Angel – Thierry Mugler
We often wonder if atelier Mugler got the names mixed up when branding “Angel” and “Alien.” Whereas Alien is a creamy, beautiful, ethereal jasmine and powdery scent, Angel leaves us feeling like a total space cadet. The scent is reminiscent of gourmands, old fruit and cough syrup. It’s like if new car smell was left out in the sun for a year. So heavy, it borders on vulgar.
Dylan Blue – Versace
This gorgeous blue and gold bottle reminds us that it’s never a wise idea to judge a book by its cover. The scent inside is awful. Like Febreze, hand sanitizer and a urinal cake. Why would a prestige brand want to associate itself with the men’s room is anyone’s guess, especially since this is a ladies’ fragrance. Killer bottle, though.
Fresh – Moschino
The fragrance that has now become the butt of several Reddit jokes about boyfriends and their salaries (just google “$20k boyfie”). Anyway, the bottle is cute, the concept is cute but the fragrance is downright gnarly. It really does smell like Windex and it’s potent enough to give you an instant headache. Take a Bounty towel and rub that sh*t away.
Happy – Clinique
The fragrance that was ubiquitous in the early 2000s. It even got a shoutout in the movie Juno – “get a whiff of those sparkling top notes.” Which would make sense, if Juno was talking about sparkling clean, because this fragrance is another one that smells like straight up Glade air freshener. There’s a sour, orange rind scent that still lingers and haunts the dreams of many, all these years later. That’s the opposite of happy, at least to us.
Stella – Tocca
Stellaaaaa!!! What were you thinking, girl? This perfume is almost universally reviled on all the fragrance websites for its sickly sweetness and cloying citrus notes. Grab yourself a Florence or Colette instead.
Rose Olivier – Bastide
For the price, you’d expect that this fragrance would smell like more than a bargain perfume you could scoop up at any Zara. It’s very hard to ruin a rose fragrance, but somehow, this manages to just do that. Works well as a room spray, but trust us, you don’t want this anywhere near your skin.
Signorina – Salvatore Ferragamo
Peach. Peach. PEAACCHH! And peppercorns, for some reason.
Fame – Lady Gaga (Coty)
Yeah yeah yeah, the black liquid and spiky bottle was cool and all, but your perfume loses its edge a little when it smells like straight up Fruitopia.
Kenzo Flower – Kenzo
Just bad. Like the dust that’s collected at the bottom of a basmati rice bag and the suffocating scent of chlorophyll. Who thought this was a good idea? Why is still in circulation? WHO is still buying this?
Lipstick On – Maison Margiela
Underneath the rice paper and rose oil is a very distinct fecal smell, which is deeply troubling. If you want a “makeup” perfume, pick up a bottle of Tresor and run far away from Lipstick On. Other duds: Jazz Club, Beach Walk and Flying.
Soleil Blanc – Tom Ford
Who wants to smell like St. Tropez tanning oil and Coppertone? Yuck.
Light Blue – Dolce & Gabbana
This review is sure to ruffle a few feathers, but it can’t be helped. This perfume is the Axe Body Spray of ladies colognes. Harsh, melodramatic and clings to the skin for hours. Seriously, you need turpentine to get this off. Narciso Rodriguez’ For Her is what this perfume wants to be when it grows up.
Chance Eau Fraiche – Chanel
Not nearly as bad and pathetic as Gabrielle, but this still earns the top spot for the worst smelling perfume possibly ever. It’s way too fresh, soapy and sporty for such an elegant brand. Total culture clash. How the brand went from No 5 to some perfume you throw on after the gym is beyond comprehension.