Secretions Magnifique – Etat Libre D’Orange
It’s the first time I’ve ever felt traumatized by a smell, which I didn’t even know was a possibility, so there’s that.
Starting off strong (and we mean REALLY strong), is Secretions Magnifique. A perfume so intensely polarizing, it can only be described as “anti-perfume”.
The perfume, which has been described as the smell of rotting oysters and cheap cologne, pretty much invented trolling in the perfume world. Just please never wear it on public transport, on a plane, or to the office.
Poison – Dior
Belongs in a museum with shoulder pads and bad 80s hair metal.
This artifact from the 1980s feels like it should be encased in glass in a museum, not sold to the general public. It’s a heavy, suffocating sweet-musk (ew, why was that ever a combo?) that smells like grape-flavoured cough medicine. The dry down smells like old dried cranberries. No, no, and no.
Musk – Jovan
There’s a reason it’s sold at Walmart.
The simple soapiness of a good musk perfume is wildly addictive. At its best, it’s a delicate skin scent, reminiscent of that addictive baby smell. At its worst, it’s Jovan Musk. Jovan smells like a pastiche of plasticky fake flowers that you’ll never be able to wash off.